Open Letter to Therapy-Seekers and Goers
I felt called to create this out of both frustration and hope - frustration from hearing too many stories of harm done in therapy spaces, and hope because I believe we can do better.
Over the last 8 years in the therapy space, I've heard far too many stories that break my heart, stories of therapists telling clients what they "should" do, projecting their own unresolved issues onto their clients' situations, or worse, responding with judgment and invalidation when someone is at their most vulnerable.
These behaviors are harmful enough on their own.
But when they come from a therapist – someone in a position of expertise and trusted with our deepest vulnerabilities – the impact can run so much deeper than intended.
I've noticed how we often grant therapists an automatic trust, a presumption of wisdom, simply because of the letters behind their names and the culturally-sanctioned good work they do.
And while many therapists are indeed worthy of that trust, this automatic faith can sometimes obscure potential misalignments.
Let me be clear: no therapist is perfect. We’re all human, and we will make missteps in our work with clients. That’s part of the journey.
But here’s what I’ve learned from being on both sides of the therapy couch: not all therapists are created equal – and that’s actually a good thing.
Every person seeking therapy is unique, with different needs, different ways of healing, different paths to wellness. No single therapist can – or should – try to be everything to everyone.
If you’re considering therapy, I want to share some thoughts that might help you honor your own agency in this process. This isn’t about finding a perfect therapist – it’s about finding the right fit for you.
Questions to Consider When Interviewing a Potential Therapist:
Alignment and Approach:
Can you explain your approach in terms I can easily understand, without using clinical jargon? How does your approach align with my specific needs?
It's important that you understand how they work, especially with more specialized issues like couples therapy, eating disorders, or trauma. Certifications alone don't always indicate a specialist.
Suitability for Your Needs:
Based on what I’ve shared with you, do you feel equipped to help me with these challenges? How would you approach our work together to help me achieve my goals?
While therapists can't guarantee outcomes, it’s important to assess if they have the skills necessary to support your particular situation.
Personal Therapy Experience:
What is your relationship with your own personal therapy?
While you’re not asking for intimate details, understanding their commitment to their own personal work is key. A therapist’s professional effectiveness is often tied to their personal growth, not just their credentials.
Personal therapy is not a requirement for therapists in the US, even though it’s highly encouraged. This can sometimes lead to unresolved issues influencing their work. While therapists are legally regulated, they are not clinically evaluated for their effectiveness—especially in private practice settings—so unintentional but potentially harmful behaviors can easily go unchecked.
Self-Awareness and Professional Integrity:
How do you ensure that your personal experiences don't impact your work with clients?
This question helps you gauge how self-aware the therapist is and how they manage their personal experiences in their professional life.
NOTE: Therapists may push back or get uncomfortable with these last two questions. They may respond by asking something like, "Why is this important to you?" which is a common response when clients ask personal questions of their therapists. However, this question is entirely valid in the context of this initial process, as you’re assessing their integrity and how their personal work influences their professional approach.
To my fellow therapists - let’s normalize empowering potential clients to ask these important questions. We should be open and comfortable answering them, as this builds trust and allows clients to make informed decisions. Let’s hold ourselves accountable to our own personal work as transparency about our ongoing self-awareness strengthens our professional integrity and the work we do with clients.
For Those Currently in Therapy:
Sometimes we stay in therapeutic relationships that no longer serve us because we feel guilty about leaving, worry about hurting our therapist's feelings, or doubt our own judgment.
Here are some questions to reflect on about your current therapeutic relationship:
Do you feel seen and heard in your sessions, or do you often feel dismissed or misunderstood?
Has your growth felt stagnant for an extended period, despite your active participation?
Do you find yourself consistently censoring important parts of your experience out of fear of judgment? (esp important for racialized folx)
Does your therapist respect your boundaries, or do you feel pressured to discuss things before you're ready?
When you express concerns about therapy, does your therapist respond defensively or with openness?
Do you leave sessions feeling worse more often than not, beyond the natural discomfort of doing deep work?
Has your therapist crossed boundaries that made you uncomfortable, whether personal, professional, or ethical?
Do you feel like you're taking care of your therapist's feelings instead of focusing on your own growth?
Trust your gut. If you're consistently feeling unseen, unheard, or uncomfortable, it's okay to consider making a change.
Ending therapy isn't failing, and needing a different therapist isn't a rejection of your current one. Sometimes we outgrow therapeutic relationships, need different approaches at different stages of our journey, or the fit just isn't right.
Before taking action, it is worth taking time to reflect on whether the discomfort you’re feeling is part of the therapeutic process or if it’s truly time to move on. Therapy isn't always comfortable - in fact, meaningful growth often involves sitting with difficult emotions and confronting challenging patterns. So how do you know the difference?
Signs of Productive Therapeutic Discomfort:
You feel challenged but supported, like having a spotter at the gym who encourages you to lift heavier while ensuring your safety
The discomfort leads to new insights about yourself or your patterns
Your therapist acknowledges and validates your feelings about the difficulty of the work
You feel scared but safe, like you're stretching beyond your comfort zone with a safety net
The hard moments are followed by periods of integration and understanding
Your therapist paces the work according to your capacity to handle it
You can openly discuss your discomfort with your therapist and feel heard
Despite the difficulty, you sense movement or growth, even if it's subtle
Signs It Might Be Time to Leave:
The discomfort feels more like being pushed off a cliff than being challenged to climb
Your therapist dismisses or minimizes your concerns about the pace or direction of therapy
You feel shame or judgment rather than understanding and support
The difficult moments don't lead to any new understanding or growth
You're consistently feeling worse without any periods of integration or relief
Your therapist rushes you through difficult emotions or pushes you to "get over" things
You don't feel safe expressing your doubts or concerns about therapy
The relationship itself feels toxic or triggers trauma responses
Effective therapy should feel like someone walking beside you through the hard stuff, not someone pushing you into it from behind or dragging you forward.
Here are some ways to begin the process of ending therapy:
"I'd like to discuss wrapping up our work together."
"I feel I need a different approach/perspective at this point in my journey."
"I'd like to schedule a final session to bring closure to our work together."
Remember, you're not responsible for managing your therapist's feelings about ending the relationship. A professional therapist understands that therapeutic relationships aren't meant to last forever and will support you in this transition.
The most important thing is your healing journey. Don't be discouraged if finding a new therapist takes time. Having gone through one relationship can make the process of finding a better fit much smoother. You deserve to be supported by someone who aligns with your needs right now, and it’s not about rushing to find that fit.
To my fellow therapists reading this - let's normalize clients outgrowing us or needing different approaches. Our job is to support their healing journey, even when that journey leads away from us.